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Boobs, alcohol and self-esteem issues – is there any greater combination in the known universe?
- The Sieve
Posts Tagged ‘sweet sassy molassy’
This young woman seems nice (NSFW)
Thursday, March 19th, 2009Suddenly, my pants are very tight
Tuesday, December 9th, 2008
We’re all about the balance here at False Gods. After yesterday’s hate-filled, invective-spewing rant about Jeff, we need to level things out with another edition of Sweet Sassy Molassy. A little yin for the yang, if you will. In that vein, we present the Feres twins, Bia and Branca, who are Brazilian synchronized swimmers. They made the rounds of leering sports blogs a while ago; in the venerable False Gods tradition, we’re copping other people’s material long after the fact.
In a somewhat related announcement, if anyone has seen my penis, I’d appreciate an e-mail telling me his whereabouts. Last I saw him, he swiped my credit card and was trying to book a flight to Brazil. Tell him I’m not angry, I just want to go with him.
- The Sieve
Life is unfair, Vol. III
Tuesday, September 16th, 2008In what is starting to become a disturbing trend, Serbian tennis pro, Novak Djokovic, is parlaying his sport conquests into a league he has no business being in. I’m talking about his apparent relationship with Paraguayan hottie, Leryn Franco. You might remember her from the Beijing Olympics where she failed to qualify for the javelin finals, but managed to arouse quite a bit of attention. (Insert adolescent javelin wise-crack here.)
If you’re keeping score at home, what this amounts to is this:
… is tapping this…
… and this…
… oh and this…
… tap, tap…
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… yes, I know… even in spandex…
If you’re still wondering what the point of this post is (other than a shameless attempt at generating more traffic to our silly little neglected blog), it’s simply LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS, AND GET TO YOUR TENNIS LESSON, JUNIOR!
- Coach Mitch Mitchel
Life is unfair, Vol. II
Wednesday, June 11th, 2008We recently brought you some photos of Calgary Flames defenceman and mouth-breathing troglodyte Dion Phaneuf cavorting on a beach with perennial men’s mag model Elisha Cuthbert. We held this up as an example of why the deck is stacked against you, the average schlub, and we implied your life would be better spent embracing alcohol or sticking your head in the oven.
In that vein, here’s a photo of Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger with girlfriend (last we heard) Missy Peregrym. Missy’s no stranger to False Gods, having graced our site in a previous installment of Sweet Sassy Molassy.
And she’s with this guy. Like, seriously. What’s with the Frankenstein haircut, dude? All it needs are a coupla bolts sticking out of your neck. Fucking guy looks like he crashed a motorbike while he wasn’t wearing a helmet. Oh, wait . . .too soon?
It isn’t exactly news that these two are dating, so why do we bring this up? Well, Missy has been good to us in terms of bringing traffic to our little blog here. And occasionally we like to make fun of search terms that bring people to our site.
This week, one of the search terms was “how did missy peregrym get her body.” Before we answer that, let’s take another quick look:
So how did Missy get her body? No idea. Prolly exercise, a decent diet and a good gene pool. How does Big Ben get to tap that? We’re not sure, but we’re guessing it had something to do with a pentagram, reading from the Necronomicon, and a contract written in blood.
- The Sieve
Choco, party, good, good
Tuesday, May 27th, 2008Yeah, I know this has nothing to do with sports…
- Coach Mitch Mitchel
The Traci Lords workout
Friday, May 9th, 2008Glovetap to occasional FG commenter Cman for sending along this link. Ah, the memories. My palms still get a little sweaty when I think of the bidet scene in Traci Takes Tokyo. I’m obviously not the connoisseur this guy is, who labels this a “rather pedestrian porn movie” and “nothing to write home about,” but hey, I was only seventeen. I didn’t know any better. (Um, who the hell writes home about porn movies, anyway?)
I got that movie from a buddy whose dad had one of those enormous satellite dishes on the front lawn, so he got all the uncensored American channels. He taped this on a Betamax cassette. By the time I was finished with it, I think there were holes burned into the tape from being paused and rewound so often. Thankfully, we now have the Internet.
Anyway, here’s Traci leading an unintentionally (and thus hilariously) suggestive workout session. Enjoy.
-The Sieve
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Now playing: Old Reliable – Catch That River
via FoxyTunes
Yet another reason to despise Dion Phaneuf
Thursday, May 8th, 2008
If dirty, pointless hits, constant verbal fellatio from Pierre McGuire, general douchebaggery and the ability to beat up Matthias Ohlund at will weren’t enough for you, now it seems Calgary Flames defenceman Dion Phaneuf is giving rocket ship rides to girlie mag staple and erstwhile Girl Next Door Elisha Cuthbert.
Yeah, just let that sink in for a minute.
So to recap, while you’re trying to hide the credit card and zip up your pants at the same time because your wife is knocking on your home office door at 2 a.m., this woman:
is breaking a piece off for this guy:
Sweet G-bus, life is unfair. I’ll be at the bar if anyone needs me.
- The Sieve
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Now playing: The Rakes – Strasbourg
via FoxyTunes
David Beckham likes basketball
Wednesday, April 16th, 2008
Can’t say I blame you, Becks. After years of curling free kicks into Posh Spice, who looks like she last ate a meal when Margaret Thatcher was Prime Minister, I’d like a girl with a little meat on her bones too. Little junk in the trunk, as the kids say.
Thanks to FG lab rat litho for e-mailing the photo.
- The Sieve
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Now playing: The Woggles – Soul Sister, Brown Sugar
via FoxyTunes
Dancing with the Dolphins
Wednesday, March 19th, 2008Continuing our noble tradition of posting photos of scantily-clad women with connections to sports, however tenuous they may be, we give you Edyta Sliwinska. Ms. Sliwinska is a regular on Dancing With The Stars, and her partner this season is Miami Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor.
Edyta is “from a working-class Polish background.” (Thanks, Wikipedia!) Some people (who are bigoted and shockingly ignorant of Internet porn trends) still think Eastern European women are brawny and unattractive. We beg to differ, and offer Ms. Sliwinska as proof.
- The Sieve
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Now playing: The Epochs – Tug Of War
via FoxyTunes
What might have been
Wednesday, February 27th, 2008The giddy excitement of NHL trade deadline day is over – the dust has settled, the smoke has cleared, and we can now take a look at what masterful roster wizardry Canucks GM Dave Nonis conjured up to shore up the offence, solidify an airtight defence and prepare his team for a deep run into the playoffs.
. . .
. . .
/crickets chirping
. . .
. . .
Uh, OK. Alright-y, then. Well, we traded Matt Cooke for Matt Cooke Pettinger, right? That’s good, no?
Heading into the trade deadline, Canucks fans had good reason to be excited. Media reports were running rampant that Nonis had placed bids on several big-name players, including Brad Richards, Peter Forsberg and Olli Jokinen. Nonis himself said yesterday he tried to get a deal done, but no one was taking his bait:
“We put packages out there that in our mind, and I think in a lot of people’s minds, were superior to maybe some of the packages that were accepted. With that said, I wasn’t about to take significant young roster players off our team at this point to land a player. I think it would’ve set us back. I’m talking about more than one piece. It wasn’t a situation that made sense for us.”
In other words, the asking price was too high. I would have liked to see Richards or Jokinen in a Canucks uni, but I’m glad Nonis didn’t trade away any of our studs or worse, bet the farm on a rental player.
Back to Matt Cooke – it’s amazing how quickly the jackals at The Province threw him under a bus:
- Surprise! Cooke’s last move in Vancouver is a duck and run
- How Matt’s gloss wore off
- Cooke traded for younger, bigger, cheaper version of himself
Jeez, guys, did he stiff you for a quote once or something?
Finally, in honour of the fearless Finn Olli Jokinen, who slipped through our grasp Tuesday, we give you a special edition of Sweet Sassy Molassy: Finnish free-style skier Kari Traa. Just like with Jokinen, we never stood a chance.
UPDATE: Oh, Christ, am I ever an idiot. Traa is a Norwegian, not a Finn. That pretty much throws this whole post off. But I’m going to leave it up. Because, you know, boobies. And sweet, sassy, barely-concealed molassy.
- The Sieve
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Now playing: The Knife – Like A Pen
via FoxyTunes
