Posts Tagged ‘sucking ass’

Would it kill these guys to hang on to a goddamn lead?

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008

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(Photo courtesy canucks.com)

The Vancouver Canucks continued their masterwork in choke artistry Tuesday night, blowing a 2-0 lead to the Colorado Avalanche en route to a 4-2 loss. This was the third time in a week the Canucks snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, having coughed up leads to the Avs last Wednesday and to Calgary the night before that.

Add to this that the fucking St. Louis Blues blew their 3-0 lead to lose 4-3 against Nashville in overtime, and the Canucks are out of the playoffs.

Nashville has two games remaining against St. Louis and Chicago. The Canucks play Edmonton and Calgary. Our only hope is that the Blues and Blackhawks have all Nashville’s “easy schedule” press clippings posted on their dressing room walls, and they use them to get fired up and beat the Predators. Even if Vancouver wins both games, unless Nashville loses at least one, or Calgary loses both of their remaining games, they’re finished.

It’s safe to say the situation is dire. But does it really matter? Even if the Canucks get into the playoffs, what are the chances they’ll make it past anyone, let alone Detroit, which would likely be their first-round matchup? The Coach and I were talking via the mobile telephony device the other day, and he said that maybe missing the playoffs is the best thing that could happen to this team.

I think there’s merit to this controversial view. Missing the playoffs would shatter the illusion that this team does anything but rely on Roberto Luongo night in and night out, and put a lot more pressure on GM Dave Nonis to make some significant changes in the off-season. Let’s face it: aside from the brilliant Luongo trade and signing Willie Mitchell, Nonis has done nothing to improve this roster. All of his other signings/acquisitions have consisted of trading one interchangeable spare part for another.

Last season, the Canucks won the division and made it into the secound round of the playoffs largely on the jaw-dropping, superhuman brilliance of Roberto Luongo’s goaltending. This season, he’s been merely excellent. (People who say Luongo is to blame for the Canucks’ troubles are fucking idiots. Without him, the Canucks would be competing with L.A. for the title of worst team in the league instead of fighting for a playoff spot.)

Luongo’s being merely excellent hasn’t been enough to plaster over the team’s glaring deficiencies up front. The Sedin twins, while
fun to watch for their otherworldly telepathic connection on the ice, are not enough to build a franchise around. Markus Naslund and Brendan Morrison, both instrumental in the high-scoring, free-wheeling days of the Marc Crawford era, are in the final years of their contracts and hampered by Alain Vigneault’s stifling, defence-first coaching system.

It’s pointless to start picking apart AV’s coaching style this late in the season, and we’ve carped on about it before, so we’ll leave it at that. Until now, Vigneault and Nonis have been able to hide behind Luongo’s goaltending. But when that isn’t enough anymore, maybe we’ll start to see the changes this club needs in order to succeed. It seems clear that isn’t going to happen with the present lineup. So missing the playoffs might not be the worst thing that could happen.

- The Sieve

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Now playing: The Knife – We Share Our Mothers` Health
via FoxyTunes

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Posted in hockey | 5 Comments »

Tony Stewart thinks highly of Goodyear tires

Monday, March 10th, 2008

Wow. I haven’t seen such a ringing endorsement since that dude bought the Remington Shaver company.

via FARK

- The Sieve

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Posted in racing | 1 Comment »

Your Vancouver Canucks: an illustration through film

Wednesday, March 5th, 2008

- The Sieve

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Now playing: Spoon – Finer Feelings
via FoxyTunes

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Posted in hockey | 5 Comments »

Game summary: Canucks at Blackhawks

Monday, March 3rd, 2008

Yeah, that about sums it up.

- The Sieve

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Posted in hockey | 1 Comment »

Rock and Roll Part 2.0

Friday, February 29th, 2008

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Via Idolator: Ministry’s Al Jourgensen has recorded a new fight song for the Chicago Blackhawks, which you can listen to here. It’s called Keys to the City, sounds like Gary Glitter jams with, er, Ministry, and contains such lyrical gems as “We’re gonna get the Keys To The City/Win the Cup and have a big parade!/We’ll bring the Cup back home to Chicago/Show them all how real hockey is played.”

Meh. I think “Commit to the Indian!” would have made a better chorus.

Tangent: Jourgensen looks like a guy who was on my last hockey team, who was a former member of a certain fun-loving band of motorcycle enthusiasts. Dude had a huge “H.A.M.C.” tattoo on his forearm. We were in the bar after a game and this girl asks him what it stands for. His answer? “Have a merry Christmas.”

- The Sieve

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Now playing: The Kills – The Good Ones
via FoxyTunes

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Posted in hockey, pop culture | 1 Comment »

Why European captains don’t win Stanley Cups

Monday, February 25th, 2008

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Toronto Maple Leafs captain Mats Sundin announced Monday he won’t waive his no-trade clause in order to allow GM Cliff Fletcher to trade him. Sundin explained himself thusly:

“I have carefully considered the team’s request that I waive my no-trade clause. I have always believed I would finish my career as a Toronto Maple Leaf so the actual request was still a very difficult one for me to contemplate.
“I have spoken to and listened to my family and those closest to me about this issue. In the end, there is no right decision in a situation like this one.
“I cannot leave my teammates and join another NHL Club at this time. I have never believed in the concept of a rental player. It is my belief that winning the Stanley Cup is the greatest thing you can achieve in hockey but for me, in order to appreciate it you have to have been part of the entire journey and that means October through June. I hope everyone will understand and respect my decision.”

I’m not sure how Sundin would know about appreciating what it takes to win a Stanley Cup, since he’s never even been close. This reminds me of the fantasy I used to have of seducing Alessandra Ambrosio, slowly reeling her in with my Old World charm and rapier-sharp wit. It was ruined when I ran into her at a party once, and she suggested we go back to my place right off the bat. I was all like, “Alessandra, it is my belief that bedding you is the greatest thing you can achieve in skirt-chasing but for me, in order to appreciate it you have to have been part of the whole journey and that means dating, dinner, drinks, conversation, the works. I hope you understand and respect my decision.”

- The Sieve

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Now playing: Black Eyes and Neckties – Broken Teeth
via FoxyTunes

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Posted in hockey | 2 Comments »

False Gods goes all “red pen” on your ass, part II

Monday, November 19th, 2007

In a preachy, self-righteous, douche-baggey effort to right the wrongs of second-rate publications (not like this one – ahem), we
at False Gods have decided to start taking to task the most egregious examples of bad sports writing. How? By public shaming, of course. By “public,” we mean the three or four people who read this blog. And by “shaming,” we mean pointing out the mistakes of others in order to feel better about ourselves.

(more…)

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Posted in bad writing | 3 Comments »

Peyton Manning’s worst day ever?

Tuesday, November 13th, 2007

So says the person who posted the above video on Youtube. (WARNING: False Gods strongly recommends engaging mute before watching the video. Unless you want to hear Guns ‘n’ Roses’ insufferable “Welcome to the Jungle.” We’d rather clean our ears with a rotary sander than listen to that again.)

We don’t know if it was Manning’s worst, but Sunday’s Indianapolis Colts loss to San Diego was definitely bad (for the Colts, that is). Manning threw six interceptions, three picked off by Chargers cornerback Antonio Cromartie.

Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers wasn’t much better, being responsible for four turnovers, one of which led directly to a Colts touchdown as Rivers fumbled the ball, dropping it in the end zone where Indy recovered for the score.

False Gods contributing editor, The Sieve, attended the game. Some observations:

  • Nobody does hype like the NFL. From the fighter jets flying by to start the game to the lavish fireworks and sheer showmanship in all aspects of the game, it’s astounding, and very hard not to get swept up in. Unbiased journalists (ahem) we may be, but we had screamed ourselves hoarse by the end of the game.
  • It was strange to be sitting in the very last row of an outdoor stadium. Standing on my seat, I could look out over the stadium wall into the parking lot below. This turned out to be advantageous, however, as the flags and concrete ring running around the top of the building provided some shelter from the rain. And the view was still good.
  • Chargers fans are a merciless bunch. The home team was up 23-0, yet they screamed at QB Philip Rivers relentlessly to “Do something, Rivers, you (insert profanities of choice here).” For his part, despite a season-low 104 passing yards, Rivers told USA Today “I never apologize for a win.”
  • I love those plastic beer bottles. Much better than the noxious draft they usually serve in the plastic cups. They don’t spill as much, are much easier to carry and generally far more convenient. But do they really have to cost $8 apiece? You can get 12 of them for ten bucks at 7-11. Oh, well. $8? What is that these days, three bucks Canadian?
  • The lengths to which some fans go for their tailgating setups are amazing. Marquee tents, entire outdoor kitchen setups, the works. One guy had a trailer outfitted with a big-screen plasma TV, exposed by opening a door in the side of the trailer, and working beer taps. Also amusing was the tendency of people in the endless Porta-Potty queues to applaud and congratulate those coming out of the stalls who had done their business quickly.
  • Drunks should not throw footballs in crowded parking lots.
  • To the young lady who gave us a “Girls Gone Wild” demonstration as were taking a group photo on the exit ramp after the game: Bless your heart. In the unlikely event you’re reading this, know that we love you, honey.

    • - The Sieve

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    Posted in football | No Comments »

    Is it time yet?

    Friday, November 2nd, 2007

    Maybe not, but it’s getting pretty damn close.

    The Vancouver Canucks turned in another abysmal effort on home ice last night in a 3-0 loss to the Nashville Predators. The loss drops the Canucks to a 5-8 record on the season, and a league-worst 1-6 at home. They currently sit in 26th place, only two points up on last-place Atlanta.

    The crowd was booing less that ten minutes into the game, after Nashville scored on their first two shots. Goalie Roberto Luongo was given a Bronx cheer every time he handled the puck and in a final insult, the home crowd cheered when Jason Arnott scored the final goal for Nashville in the dying seconds of the game.

    To top it all off, in a major blow to the defence, the Canucks lost both Sami Salo and Kevin Bieksa to what appeared to be serious injuries. Salo was hit in the face with a puck off the stick of teammate Alexander Edler, and Bieksa’s Achilles tendon was cut by the skate of Nashville’s Vernon Fiddler. Judging from the blood shed, both players are likely to be out for a while.

    This team is in disarray both on and off the ice. In addition to playing like shit every night, it can’t help team morale that head coach Alain Vigneault insists on pointing fingers in the media (though he refrained after last night’s debacle). Really, after that shit show, what’s left to say?

    - The Sieve

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    Posted in hockey | 1 Comment »

    Preparing for the playoffs

    Monday, January 15th, 2007

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    After Saturday’s 6-1 thrashing at the hands of the Canucks, Toronto Maple Leafs head coach Paul Maurice responded Sunday by giving his team the day off. In Florida to kick off a road trip against Tampa Bay on Tuesday, players had the option to golf or go fishing.

    According to this story in the Toronto Sun, many opted for the greens, possibly to get an early start on this spring’s activities. After all, April is only a few short months away. (NOTE: the photo above is not of Mats Sundin golfing in Florida. We have no idea where this photo was taken. The Web site it was taken from was Swedish.)

    We hope you enjoyed your day off, boys. And thanks again for the laughs on Saturday.

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