Seven of the twelve teams headed to the NFL playoffs lost their final game of the season. Yeah, I know it wasn’t do or die time for most, but don’t you want to go into the post season winning? As the better team, don’t you want to prove a point? Isn’t it gratifying to ruin a lesser opponent’s chance of making the playoffs when your playoff position is certain? Isn’t that kind of like winning twice?

Let’s face it, resting guys is WEAK. There are no “meaningless” games. Not only is this unfair to the Vegas line (is Houston REALLY the favourite when Gerard is out for Jacksonville?), it cheats fans (potentially paying for the Sunday ticket) out of watching a “real” contest. Give me what I paid for, dammit!

And while we’re at it, why are there always so many James Bond movies on TV at Christmas time? Here’s a guy with kitten arms (see: diag. 1) and who’s like a gazillion years old, picking up hotties left and right. Come on! Am I really supposed to buy into this? The man is ancient, but could make Rosie the Riveter giggle like a school girl with one of his inappropriate double entendres. “Hey Rosie, I’ve got a different attachment for that rivet gun up in me room”. This sort of line actually works for the guy. Granted, some of the characters in his movies are playing along, waiting for their chance to kill the scrawny prick and some are just providing charity. Still, aren’t they at all worried about contracting something from this drip? Crabs are no fun.

Now I’m sure there are some women out there who will protest, saying ol’ Sean Connery is one of the sexiest men alive (is he still alive?), but I can say with certainty that they don’t read False Gods (trust me, we have stats to prove it). Even so, women who feel this way about Connery are likely your great Aunt Mertle and the lady up the street with all the cats – and they don’t count. (See cats, kitten arms… it all comes around full circle).

So what does Sean-double-oh-douche-bag have to do with elite NFL teams tanking the final game of the season? Nothing really. However, you might want to bookmark this post for next year. If you find yourself cursing the TV when some team of underachievers dog it into the playoffs, don’t cover the spread, or field scrubs off the bench, just change the channel to whatever Bond movie is playing at the time (Roger Moore will even do), and repeat:

Grandad!

Grandad!

Grandad!

- Coach Mitch Mitchel

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