Deadspin is one of my favourite sports blogs. It’s everything a sports blog should be – funny as all hell, knowledgeable, concise and frequently updated. (Yes, I wrote “frequently updated”. Nothing is worse than a blog that hardly ever changes. Like this one.)
Like all Gawker Media sites, Deadspin auditions its commenters – that is, you can’t comment on their site until someone approves your account after a few dry runs. In Deadspin’s case, that someone is one Rob Iracane, Comment Ombudsman. They take it so seriously, Iracane writes a regular column to “explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what’s working, what isn’t, answer your questions, so on.” (No, really. I’m not making it up.)
Deadspin frequently targets ESPN, and they even have a daily bit in which ESPN.com’s “featured comment of the day” is held up for ridicule, as they are usually stunningly banal.
Pretty self-important, right? But here’s the thing: Deadspin comment threads are just as funny as the stories themselves. The commenter auditioning thing eliminates the Youtube-style comment threads of the “U suck” and “LOL, u r such a LOOSER” variety.
So I says to myself, “Self,” I says, “this looks like fun. Let’s get in on this action.” I threw my $0.02 in on a few stories, waited, and after a while, I wrote Iracane a smarmy, ass-kissing e-mail asking what’s the deal? Is someone going to approve my comment account, or what? How did it turn out? Well, let’s just say that when I sign in to Deadspin, there’s still a big, bold-faced “Comments are not enabled for this account” across the top of my account page. Never got an answer to my e-mail, either.
Here’s a look at the stories I dry-commented on and what I said (as well as I can remember. Once I wrote and submitted these comments, they disappeared into the ether. Being the arrogant dick that I am, I never imagined them not being approved, so I didn’t keep a record.) Also, in the interests of fair and balanced reporting, and to provide some insightful, comedic “wheat” to my clearly tedious “chaff,” I’ve included comments that were published from various other stories.
My comments
From ESPN Sends Dana Jacobson Away For A Week: “Sweet Touchdown Jesus! Now you have to apologize for things you say at a roast? The whole point of a roast is to be offensive. Also: you guys can make all the Barbaro jokes you want, I’d still swill vodka straight from the bottle with her.”
From Deadspin Party Brings Sexy Back (the photo above is from this story. Look at all the chicks!): “Rejected Commenter Theatre, as performed by Deadspin staff and friends.”
From Jose Canseco Really, REALLY Wants To Get Into Film: “is that the nightgown the ’sultry woman’ in his demo tape was lounging in?” (referring to this story)
Comments from those who made the cut (note the piercing insights and gut-busting wit)
From ESPN Sends Dana Jacobson Away For A Week: “Like anyone watches the shit she’s on.” – cowbell204
From Anti-ESPN Christian Protest Sure To Draw In Five, Maybe Six People: “INVISABLE CHICKEN WING PLATE” – Afino
From Slashed Throats And Beer Wenches: “Should of been you Jagr or Avery or Philadelphia Flyers.” – twoeightnine
From Your Shocking Super Bowl Champion New York Giants: “hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha” – ceedat
From Boy, Did You Ever Miss A Barnburner At MSG Last Night: “hahaha, munchkins” – StevePerryPsychOut
From Look For Shockey At Kickoff: “I 8===D Roger Director and The NY Giants!” – The Traveling Marburys
UPDATE: I’m in! Despite my petulant complaining, Mr. Iracane has graciously extended a commenter invitation, which I have accepted. This raises two points, of course: 1) Damn, these guys are fast. I posted this piece early yesterday afternoon, by dinnertime the invite was in my inbox. you’d almost think they have someone watching; and 2) What the hell did he have to go and do that for? Now I’m going to be expected to actually “deliver” and, you know, “be funny.” Or “insightful.” Or some such. Fuck. Me and my big mouth.
- The Sieve
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