(AP Photo/Kyle Ericson)

We’re new to this live-blogging thing at False Gods, but in light of the Canucks’ recent slump, I thought I’d take a stab at some verbal (uh, written?) diarrhea of my own. Puck drops in two minutes. Here’s hoping sobriety and interest hold out long enough to finish the game – I’ve been turning them off of late.

Let’s do this.

FIRST PERIOD

8:01 p.m.: I have NHL Centre Ice. Living in Calgary, it’s the only way I get to watch the Canucks on a regular basis. Why does the NHL force the FSN channel down my throat? Please, for the love of God, can I not watch the Sportsnet feed? Early highlight from the announcers: “The team with the best goaltender will win this game.” Yeah, so will the team that scores the most goals.

8:06 p.m.: Oh wait, someone’s kissed me on Facebook. Hey, I gotta take ‘em where I can get ‘em. Back in a minute.

:29: Keith Tkachuk gets a penalty for closing his hand on the puck. Smooth move, Ex-Lax.

2:23: Ohlund lets the puck squirt out at the point for the second time on this power play. How many times have we seen that this season?

2:50: Canucks get a penalty – Jason Jaffray for holding. So much for the power play.

4:10: Cooke on a short-handed breakaway! Oh, shit. Legace, you bastard!

*Switching to time remaining instead of time elapsed on the game clock. Math brain not functioning.*

8:55: Sedins have agreat scoring chance; FSN homers blather on about how Rick Wamsley teaches Manny Legace how to make saves. Awesome.

7:58: D.J. King scores on a weak-ass backhander. Maybe Vigneault is right about Luongo. Lou, what are you doing to me?

6:46: Legace gets away with holding Naslund’s stick. Where’s the call, ref?

5:34: Another penalty for Tkachuk. Delay of game. Keep it up, slick.

3:34: Power play over. One shot on net.

2:31: Burrows misses wide-open net. Gee, I wonder why they can’t win?

1:39: OHHHHHLLLLUUUUNDDDD!!! The patience! The wrister! Picking the corner! Matty, all is forgiven!

:07: Jaffray called for hooking. Way to wreck the momentum, junior. Mayers misses the buzzer-beater.

8:50 p.m.: D.J King, goal-scorer, interviewed in the intermisson. Oddly, he reminds me of the slack-jawed Jon Heder in Napoleon Dynamite. Only minus the ‘fro and the salmon shoulders.

8:52 p.m.: Casino commercial, showing girl leaning over pool table. Voiceover: “Now that’s a nice rack!” Maybe this FSN isn’t so bad after all.

SECOND PERIOD

18:44: Brad Fucking Boyes scores. Why was he allowed to receive that pass? Wide open. Yeah, must be Luongo’s fault. Fuck.

17:22: Mason Raymond hits the post. Jason Jaffray misses. Note to Nonis: relying on minor-league call-ups is guaranteed to result in more scoring.

5:22: FSN colour commenter (who are these guys?) makes note of the fact the Sedin twins are from the same home town in Sweden as Markus Naslund and Peter Forsberg. Can’t bring himself to say Ornskoldsvik. C’mon, you get paid for this. Even I can say it, and I’m but a lowly blogger.

1:30: Scotty Walker takes a shot on Luongo. Usually rabid chants of “LOOOOUUUU” are suddenly half-hearted.

0:00: Blues head into the dressing room with a 2-1 lead. Considering the Canucks have never come back to win from a second-period deficit in this season, the chances of finishing this live blog are slim.

THIRD PERIOD

18:13: Oh, sweet Mother of God, Ohlund scores again!!!!!! You magnificent bastard of a Swede, you! With this, Ohlund passes Jyrki Lumme for all-time goals scored by a Canucks defenceman, BTW.

8:10: Holy shit, what a save by Luongo! Reminiscent of why Alexander Ovechkin called him “an octopus.”

2:50: Canucks down two men. I refuse to comment. FSN: “OH, what a save by Luongo!”

OVERTIME

No score.

SHOOTOUT

DANIEL SCORES!!!!!!

That’s all. I have no witty commentary. The alcohol is taking over.

Luongo the save on Tkachuk! Canucks win !!!!

Also: Yay! I made it!

- The Sieve

(If my FoxyTunes Signatune were on right now, it’d be George Thorogood’s “I Drink Alone.”)