Archive for January, 2009

You, sir, are beneath contempt

Monday, January 26th, 2009

This guy is upset because his favourite team, the Giants, was eliminated from the NFL playoffs. So he puts on this shameful display and his friends, who obviously like him very much, record it and post it on the intertubes. I can’t even get all the way through it.

Here’s the news, fatty: Sporting events are unpredictable. Sometimes your favourite team loses, whether or not they “deserve” to win. Get over it, you pathetic sack of shit. And you’re not part of the team. Stop saying “we” did this and “we” did that. From the looks of it, you haven’t done anything but stuff your gullet with concentrated bacon grease for a long time.

Jesus. Get a life. Go talk to a girl or something.

- The Sieve

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Posted in football, playoffs | 3 Comments »

Watch one conference final and get the second one FREE

Saturday, January 17th, 2009

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh -6 - SI’s Lee Jenkins is calling Joe Flacco the new Roethlisberger, stating that Flacco’s rookie playoff record is already better then Big Ben’s. While you can’t argue with the facts, doesn’t calling Flacco Ben Junior, Lil’ Roth, or any other combination, still make him the Beta male to Ben’s Alpha? Isn’t it only fair to let the score be settled tomorrow during the AFC championship game? Can’t we simply say that Roethlisberger is the Slanket - Flacco is the Snuggie? You know, the blankets WITH SLEEVES! Maybe the Slanket was the first to market, but the Snuggie has the mind share of the Nation. Take the Snuggie, the Ravens and the points.

Philadelphia -4 @ Arizona – If the Ravens/Steelers game is the battle of loose fitting Moonie garb, this match up has to be considered the “totally portable book light” – a little something to sweeten the pot in an already too-good-to-be-true football-o-rama.

But you’ve got to act fast. For a limited time the Cardinals have been succeeding with their running game but this deal can’t last. Like a book light idling too close to a Snuggie, this won’t end well for ‘Zona. Take the Eagles – I can already see the Gatorade wicking off Andy Reid’s Slanket.

- Coach Mitch Mitchel

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Posted in betting, football, playoffs | 7 Comments »

Round 2 Roethlesroundup

Friday, January 9th, 2009

So maybe I went 2 for 4 during the Wild Card week, but who could anticipate Tony Dungy would be such an idiot and gamble on the 4 and 1 instead of kicking a field goal? (Note: that field goal would have been the difference). Unfortunately, I was only able to listen to this game on the radio as it conflicted with the pre-scheduled viewing of General Hospital in the mess hall. But none of that matters now, it’s a new round and since you’re still reading, I’ll give you this weeks leadpipers.

Ravesn @ Titans -3 – Take the Titans. According to my cellmate, “Alice”, Kerry Collins has pretty hands – yikes!

Cardinals @ Panthers -10 – Make no mistake, the Panthers WILL WIN THIS GAME… but they won’t cover the dime. Take the Cards and the points. IDIOT CHECK: If you’re playing the moneyline, take the Panthers.

Eagles @ Giants -4 – Yes, the Eagles are peaking at the right time, but the Giants are going to win it all. Expect a post Super Bowl Payton Manning melt-down. Giants – all the way.

Chargers @ Steelers -6 - Take the Chargers. I know I had written SanD off last week, but I’ve uncovered some irrefutable evidence on why the Steelers can’t possible win this one:

I could have gone with the Mike Tomlin / Bernie Mac stunt-double pick, but that one has been done to death.

I’d like to thank all the loyal well-wishers, who have been sending me “Get Out Soon” cards, however, I did not appreciate the chocolate cake made with exlax. Not funny.

- Coach Mitch Mitchel

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Posted in betting, football, playoffs, stunt doubles | 7 Comments »

Wild cat, Wild card, Wild winnings

Friday, January 2nd, 2009

I’m sure you’ve all been sweating it, waiting for the ol’ Coach to get you his Wild Card Playoff picks. Perhaps you heard that nasty (untrue, well mostly) rumour about CMM being in a Honolulu prison after a wild New Years party involving Poi, Prosciutto and Pigmies. You’re also probably wondering what’s with the picture on the left – it’s the outfit issued to all Honolulu inmates (it actually looks less gay without the cap, but I digress). Let’s get this party started.

Falcons -1 @ Cardinals - This game could be blacked out in the Phoenix area if it doesn’t sell out before 2:30 today. Hell, it might already be 2:30. I’m not sure – I had to trade my watch to preserve my anal virginity. Maybe Litho can dig deep and buy out the remaining block of tickets? Take Atlanta in this one.

Colts -1 @ Chargers - Anyone taking the Chargers (and the points) is either LT’s mom or dating Fill-Eeep Rivers (come to think of it – she might be the same person). This one promises to be a shoot out between two good ol’ boys – Manning and Rivers. That’s why I’m telling you take the over 50 as well.

Ravens -3 @ Dolphins - This Cinderella story is coming to an end. Sorry Fins, but the Big Tuna can’t save you. Can we call this one “The Hairy Tangerine Bowl”? Take the Ravens.

Eagles -3 @ Vikings - Similar to Phoenix, Minnesota is also facing a possible blackout, leaving me to wonder, what is more embarrassing, not being able to fill your stadium in the playoffs or the 2005 Love Boat scandal? For the Vikings to win this one it’s going to take a huge game from Adrian Peterson and a flawless game from Gus “the puss” Frerotte. While this isn’t impossible, my money’s on the Eagles – too much experience, too impressive against the Boys last week. I know I’ve picked the visitor in all matches, so tease this game and thank me later.

If you listen to the Coach, and things work out for you this weekend, maybe you can give something back in the way of my bond.

OK, my 15 minutes are up at the library computer. If you need me, I’ll be teaching inmates how to meet women with low self-esteem on facebook. Hey… everyone needs to be loved on the “outside”.

- Coach Mitch Mitchel

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Posted in betting, football, playoffs | No Comments »