Cameron Wake tied an NFL record for first year players on Sunday when he managed 3 sacks against the Buffalo Bills. Until Sunday’s game, Wake hadn’t seen much action, but CFL fans will remember him as the BC Lions defensive end. This guy has all the tools to succeed in the NFL. Non-belivers and/or haters should check out this video – a good indication of the man’s athleticism.
- Coach Mitch Mitchel
Washington Redskins tight end Chris Cooley is starring in a Web-based reality show, The Cooley Zone. This episode/trailer/pilot opens with a boudoir shot of his super-hot wife (well, he’s in it too, but we’ll just pretend he’s not). So it’s already better than any other fucking reality show out there. (What? You don’t think so? Eh? Why don’t you go dance with some stars, Twinkletoes? Maybe catch the most explosive rose ceremony ever?)
I especially like the whiny, freeloading brother. “Chris’s house is, like 39,000 square feet, and he gives us 200 in the basement.” Awww. Poor you.
Cooley is already a favourite with us Internet types, mostly for his frank, outspoken blog. He comes across as a regular dude who knows how lucky he is and how good he has it, and really loves his life. Kind of like the NFL’s answer to official False Gods man-crush Alex Ovechkin.
- The Sieve
Pittsburgh -6.5 vs. Arizona - Today’s THE BIG DAY and your last chance of the season to really cash out. Sorry for leaving this to the last minute, but if you’re still reading these predictions my tardiness is the least of your worries. This one should be obvious – the sports pundits are running out of ways that Arizona could possibly win this one. Sure the second coming or Kurt Warner is a good story but stories don’t win Super Bowls. The Steelers defense will smother anything Zona can throw at them – and they will have to throw the ball as I can’t see them making much headway on the ground against the number 1 run defense.
But if that isn’t enough, I’ll let you in on the latest addition to the Steelers coaching staff:
That’s right, it’s Vince and his Shamwow terrible towel, calling down plays from upstairs. My sources say that the Steelers have commissioned top secret labs in Germany to construct a super Snuggie (or is it a Slanket) made from Shamwows. The entire team will be wearing these on the sidelines. You watch. This will happen.
- Coach Mitch Mitchel
This guy is upset because his favourite team, the Giants, was eliminated from the NFL playoffs. So he puts on this shameful display and his friends, who obviously like him very much, record it and post it on the intertubes. I can’t even get all the way through it.
Here’s the news, fatty: Sporting events are unpredictable. Sometimes your favourite team loses, whether or not they “deserve” to win. Get over it, you pathetic sack of shit. And you’re not part of the team. Stop saying “we” did this and “we” did that. From the looks of it, you haven’t done anything but stuff your gullet with concentrated bacon grease for a long time.
Jesus. Get a life. Go talk to a girl or something.
- The Sieve
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh -6 - SI’s Lee Jenkins is calling Joe Flacco the new Roethlisberger, stating that Flacco’s rookie playoff record is already better then Big Ben’s. While you can’t argue with the facts, doesn’t calling Flacco Ben Junior, Lil’ Roth, or any other combination, still make him the Beta male to Ben’s Alpha? Isn’t it only fair to let the score be settled tomorrow during the AFC championship game? Can’t we simply say that Roethlisberger is the Slanket - Flacco is the Snuggie? You know, the blankets WITH SLEEVES! Maybe the Slanket was the first to market, but the Snuggie has the mind share of the Nation. Take the Snuggie, the Ravens and the points.
Philadelphia -4 @ Arizona – If the Ravens/Steelers game is the battle of loose fitting Moonie garb, this match up has to be considered the “totally portable book light” – a little something to sweeten the pot in an already too-good-to-be-true football-o-rama.
But you’ve got to act fast. For a limited time the Cardinals have been succeeding with their running game but this deal can’t last. Like a book light idling too close to a Snuggie, this won’t end well for ‘Zona. Take the Eagles – I can already see the Gatorade wicking off Andy Reid’s Slanket.
- Coach Mitch Mitchel
So maybe I went 2 for 4 during the Wild Card week, but who could anticipate Tony Dungy would be such an idiot and gamble on the 4 and 1 instead of kicking a field goal? (Note: that field goal would have been the difference). Unfortunately, I was only able to listen to this game on the radio as it conflicted with the pre-scheduled viewing of General Hospital in the mess hall. But none of that matters now, it’s a new round and since you’re still reading, I’ll give you this weeks leadpipers.
Ravesn @ Titans -3 – Take the Titans. According to my cellmate, “Alice”, Kerry Collins has pretty hands – yikes!
Cardinals @ Panthers -10 – Make no mistake, the Panthers WILL WIN THIS GAME… but they won’t cover the dime. Take the Cards and the points. IDIOT CHECK: If you’re playing the moneyline, take the Panthers.
Eagles @ Giants -4 – Yes, the Eagles are peaking at the right time, but the Giants are going to win it all. Expect a post Super Bowl Payton Manning melt-down. Giants – all the way.
Chargers @ Steelers -6 - Take the Chargers. I know I had written SanD off last week, but I’ve uncovered some irrefutable evidence on why the Steelers can’t possible win this one:
I could have gone with the Mike Tomlin / Bernie Mac stunt-double pick, but that one has been done to death.
I’d like to thank all the loyal well-wishers, who have been sending me “Get Out Soon” cards, however, I did not appreciate the chocolate cake made with exlax. Not funny.
- Coach Mitch Mitchel
I’m sure you’ve all been sweating it, waiting for the ol’ Coach to get you his Wild Card Playoff picks. Perhaps you heard that nasty (untrue, well mostly) rumour about CMM being in a Honolulu prison after a wild New Years party involving Poi, Prosciutto and Pigmies. You’re also probably wondering what’s with the picture on the left – it’s the outfit issued to all Honolulu inmates (it actually looks less gay without the cap, but I digress). Let’s get this party started.
Falcons -1 @ Cardinals - This game could be blacked out in the Phoenix area if it doesn’t sell out before 2:30 today. Hell, it might already be 2:30. I’m not sure – I had to trade my watch to preserve my anal virginity. Maybe Litho can dig deep and buy out the remaining block of tickets? Take Atlanta in this one.
Colts -1 @ Chargers - Anyone taking the Chargers (and the points) is either LT’s mom or dating Fill-Eeep Rivers (come to think of it – she might be the same person). This one promises to be a shoot out between two good ol’ boys – Manning and Rivers. That’s why I’m telling you take the over 50 as well.
Ravens -3 @ Dolphins - This Cinderella story is coming to an end. Sorry Fins, but the Big Tuna can’t save you. Can we call this one “The Hairy Tangerine Bowl”? Take the Ravens.
Eagles -3 @ Vikings - Similar to Phoenix, Minnesota is also facing a possible blackout, leaving me to wonder, what is more embarrassing, not being able to fill your stadium in the playoffs or the 2005 Love Boat scandal? For the Vikings to win this one it’s going to take a huge game from Adrian Peterson and a flawless game from Gus “the puss” Frerotte. While this isn’t impossible, my money’s on the Eagles – too much experience, too impressive against the Boys last week. I know I’ve picked the visitor in all matches, so tease this game and thank me later.
If you listen to the Coach, and things work out for you this weekend, maybe you can give something back in the way of my bond.
OK, my 15 minutes are up at the library computer. If you need me, I’ll be teaching inmates how to meet women with low self-esteem on facebook. Hey… everyone needs to be loved on the “outside”.
- Coach Mitch Mitchel
We recently brought you some photos of Calgary Flames defenceman and mouth-breathing troglodyte Dion Phaneuf cavorting on a beach with perennial men’s mag model Elisha Cuthbert. We held this up as an example of why the deck is stacked against you, the average schlub, and we implied your life would be better spent embracing alcohol or sticking your head in the oven.
In that vein, here’s a photo of Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger with girlfriend (last we heard) Missy Peregrym. Missy’s no stranger to False Gods, having graced our site in a previous installment of Sweet Sassy Molassy.
And she’s with this guy. Like, seriously. What’s with the Frankenstein haircut, dude? All it needs are a coupla bolts sticking out of your neck. Fucking guy looks like he crashed a motorbike while he wasn’t wearing a helmet. Oh, wait . . .too soon?
It isn’t exactly news that these two are dating, so why do we bring this up? Well, Missy has been good to us in terms of bringing traffic to our little blog here. And occasionally we like to make fun of search terms that bring people to our site.
This week, one of the search terms was “how did missy peregrym get her body.” Before we answer that, let’s take another quick look:
So how did Missy get her body? No idea. Prolly exercise, a decent diet and a good gene pool. How does Big Ben get to tap that? We’re not sure, but we’re guessing it had something to do with a pentagram, reading from the Necronomicon, and a contract written in blood.
- The Sieve
The following are photos of Tennessee Titans quarterback Vince Young at some sort of club where dudes take off their shirts and drink together. Now, I don’t want to jump to any conclusions or start any rumours, but I don’t see any women at this club. Just sayin’.
Source: blogxilla.com, via Deadspin
- The Sieve
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Now playing: Nelly – Country Grammar
via FoxyTunes
Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry was cut from the team Thursday after being arrested yet again. Henry’s latest trip downtown is the result of allegations he punched an 18-year-old in the face and broke his car window with a beer bottle.
Bengals president Mike Brown announced Henry’s release in a statement on www.bengals.com:
“Chris Henry has forfeited his opportunity to pursue a career with the Bengals. His conduct can no longer be tolerated.
“The Bengals tried for an extended period of time to support Chris and his potentially bright career. We had hoped to guide him toward an appropriate standard of personal responsibility that this community would support and that would allow him to play in the NFL. We acknowledge those fans who had concerns about Chris; at the same time we tried to help a young man.
“But those efforts end today, as we move on with what is best for our team.”
The arrest is Henry’s latest in a string of brushes with the law for crimes such as possession of marijuana, carrying a concealed weapon, drunk driving and providing alcohol to minors.
Henry, along with Adam (Pacman) Jones of the Tennessee Titans, was the recipient last year of a stern letter from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, suspending him for eight games and warning him his conduct was jeopardizing his football career. (Read: “Get your shit together or you’re out of here, slick.”)
All of this begs the question: what the fuck is wrong with these guys? As FG stalwart porknbeanz55 says, “all they have to do is behave themselves for a few years and they’re set for life.” These players earn more money than many of us will ever see in our lifetimes, and it seems some of them can’t fuck it up fast enough. I guess a pro football career followed by a comfortable life of living off your earnings and investments is less appealing than the important work of smacking up teenagers in the street.
- The Sieve
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Now playing: edIT – Artsy Remix (feat. the Grouch)
via FoxyTunes
Steve Yzerman, Brian Leetch, Brett Hull, Luc Robitaille and (yes you) Lou Lamarillo are ON THE KWAN - AND - inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame.
