Some rough stuff to get you in the mood for MLB playoffs.
Dammit! I bet this one would be stopped because of a cut in the first round. Can someone lend me another $100? It’s recess at the school across the street and I want in on a tether ball/hop scotch parlay.
- Coach Mitch Mitchel
In the interest of being inclusive (and because we don’t seem to be able to come up with new material regularly ourselves), we’ve decided to occasionally turn over the floor to one of our esteemed readers. All six of them. Anyway, here’s Jacuzzi, opining that the CBC’s Grapes has soured.
I’ve pretty much had it with Don Cherry.
Over the years I’ve patiently indulged his xenophobic rants (come to think of it, you can take pretty much any word and put “phobic” on the end of it), his murky belligerence, not to mention a disdain for Vancouver so deep he has to remind Canadians he isn’t rooting for Chicago. I’ve put up with his increasingly clownlike outfits, his frequent memory lapses, his inability to pronounce any name but “Smith,” his random hero worship, his tendency to always take the bully’s side of the debate, etc., etc., etc.
But I’ve had it. Two nights ago he didn’t finish a single sentence. He couldn’t remember a single name. “Whatchamacallit show that clip of that there glurble again, now this is what I….What? Now hold on! Just watsh. That’s not the clip. Staal! Code of honour…boards. Kid coaches and kids watch this. What?”
Meanwhile, Ron MacLean quietly feeds him names and sets up clips. Finally, this is even too much for the longest-suffering referee and fall guy in the history of sports commentary. The camera cuts to two announcers quickly putting down their coffee, then off to Marc Crawford, who’s obviously unprepared to offer any sort of analysis at all and is trying desperately not to laugh.
Yesterday Cherry was a little better and today he almost made sense, but come on CBC, enough is enough. You didn’t renew the lease on your theme song, and that’s younger than Cherry. Perhaps you could just tape clips of him wandering through the mall with his pants falling down, or driving the wrong way down a freeway on his rotary cart fingering passers-by, and play those between periods.
Just spare me any more of his absurd drivel passing as commentary.
If you would like to have something posted and you think you can withstand the withering scrutiny of Coach Mitch Mitchel and The Sieve, e-mail us your drivel at falsegods.ca@gmail.com. We make no apologies for not posting your crap. In other words, if you don’t make the cut, suck it up, buttercup. There’s always next year.
The CBC mikes picked up this little tidbit and broadcast it during the Canucks’ 2-1 win over the Blues Wednesday night. The headline says “get your balls untied” but I heard “give your balls a tug.”
Glovetap to FG lab rat lazycomet for sending along the clip.
- The Sieve
Pittsburgh -6.5 vs. Arizona - Today’s THE BIG DAY and your last chance of the season to really cash out. Sorry for leaving this to the last minute, but if you’re still reading these predictions my tardiness is the least of your worries. This one should be obvious – the sports pundits are running out of ways that Arizona could possibly win this one. Sure the second coming or Kurt Warner is a good story but stories don’t win Super Bowls. The Steelers defense will smother anything Zona can throw at them – and they will have to throw the ball as I can’t see them making much headway on the ground against the number 1 run defense.
But if that isn’t enough, I’ll let you in on the latest addition to the Steelers coaching staff:
That’s right, it’s Vince and his Shamwow terrible towel, calling down plays from upstairs. My sources say that the Steelers have commissioned top secret labs in Germany to construct a super Snuggie (or is it a Slanket) made from Shamwows. The entire team will be wearing these on the sidelines. You watch. This will happen.
- Coach Mitch Mitchel
This guy is upset because his favourite team, the Giants, was eliminated from the NFL playoffs. So he puts on this shameful display and his friends, who obviously like him very much, record it and post it on the intertubes. I can’t even get all the way through it.
Here’s the news, fatty: Sporting events are unpredictable. Sometimes your favourite team loses, whether or not they “deserve” to win. Get over it, you pathetic sack of shit. And you’re not part of the team. Stop saying “we” did this and “we” did that. From the looks of it, you haven’t done anything but stuff your gullet with concentrated bacon grease for a long time.
Jesus. Get a life. Go talk to a girl or something.
- The Sieve
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh -6 - SI’s Lee Jenkins is calling Joe Flacco the new Roethlisberger, stating that Flacco’s rookie playoff record is already better then Big Ben’s. While you can’t argue with the facts, doesn’t calling Flacco Ben Junior, Lil’ Roth, or any other combination, still make him the Beta male to Ben’s Alpha? Isn’t it only fair to let the score be settled tomorrow during the AFC championship game? Can’t we simply say that Roethlisberger is the Slanket - Flacco is the Snuggie? You know, the blankets WITH SLEEVES! Maybe the Slanket was the first to market, but the Snuggie has the mind share of the Nation. Take the Snuggie, the Ravens and the points.
Philadelphia -4 @ Arizona – If the Ravens/Steelers game is the battle of loose fitting Moonie garb, this match up has to be considered the “totally portable book light” – a little something to sweeten the pot in an already too-good-to-be-true football-o-rama.
But you’ve got to act fast. For a limited time the Cardinals have been succeeding with their running game but this deal can’t last. Like a book light idling too close to a Snuggie, this won’t end well for ‘Zona. Take the Eagles – I can already see the Gatorade wicking off Andy Reid’s Slanket.
- Coach Mitch Mitchel
So maybe I went 2 for 4 during the Wild Card week, but who could anticipate Tony Dungy would be such an idiot and gamble on the 4 and 1 instead of kicking a field goal? (Note: that field goal would have been the difference). Unfortunately, I was only able to listen to this game on the radio as it conflicted with the pre-scheduled viewing of General Hospital in the mess hall. But none of that matters now, it’s a new round and since you’re still reading, I’ll give you this weeks leadpipers.
Ravesn @ Titans -3 – Take the Titans. According to my cellmate, “Alice”, Kerry Collins has pretty hands – yikes!
Cardinals @ Panthers -10 – Make no mistake, the Panthers WILL WIN THIS GAME… but they won’t cover the dime. Take the Cards and the points. IDIOT CHECK: If you’re playing the moneyline, take the Panthers.
Eagles @ Giants -4 – Yes, the Eagles are peaking at the right time, but the Giants are going to win it all. Expect a post Super Bowl Payton Manning melt-down. Giants – all the way.
Chargers @ Steelers -6 - Take the Chargers. I know I had written SanD off last week, but I’ve uncovered some irrefutable evidence on why the Steelers can’t possible win this one:
I could have gone with the Mike Tomlin / Bernie Mac stunt-double pick, but that one has been done to death.
I’d like to thank all the loyal well-wishers, who have been sending me “Get Out Soon” cards, however, I did not appreciate the chocolate cake made with exlax. Not funny.
- Coach Mitch Mitchel
I’m sure you’ve all been sweating it, waiting for the ol’ Coach to get you his Wild Card Playoff picks. Perhaps you heard that nasty (untrue, well mostly) rumour about CMM being in a Honolulu prison after a wild New Years party involving Poi, Prosciutto and Pigmies. You’re also probably wondering what’s with the picture on the left – it’s the outfit issued to all Honolulu inmates (it actually looks less gay without the cap, but I digress). Let’s get this party started.
Falcons -1 @ Cardinals - This game could be blacked out in the Phoenix area if it doesn’t sell out before 2:30 today. Hell, it might already be 2:30. I’m not sure – I had to trade my watch to preserve my anal virginity. Maybe Litho can dig deep and buy out the remaining block of tickets? Take Atlanta in this one.
Colts -1 @ Chargers - Anyone taking the Chargers (and the points) is either LT’s mom or dating Fill-Eeep Rivers (come to think of it – she might be the same person). This one promises to be a shoot out between two good ol’ boys – Manning and Rivers. That’s why I’m telling you take the over 50 as well.
Ravens -3 @ Dolphins - This Cinderella story is coming to an end. Sorry Fins, but the Big Tuna can’t save you. Can we call this one “The Hairy Tangerine Bowl”? Take the Ravens.
Eagles -3 @ Vikings - Similar to Phoenix, Minnesota is also facing a possible blackout, leaving me to wonder, what is more embarrassing, not being able to fill your stadium in the playoffs or the 2005 Love Boat scandal? For the Vikings to win this one it’s going to take a huge game from Adrian Peterson and a flawless game from Gus “the puss” Frerotte. While this isn’t impossible, my money’s on the Eagles – too much experience, too impressive against the Boys last week. I know I’ve picked the visitor in all matches, so tease this game and thank me later.
If you listen to the Coach, and things work out for you this weekend, maybe you can give something back in the way of my bond.
OK, my 15 minutes are up at the library computer. If you need me, I’ll be teaching inmates how to meet women with low self-esteem on facebook. Hey… everyone needs to be loved on the “outside”.
- Coach Mitch Mitchel
In the interest of being inclusive (and because we don’t seem to be able to come up with new material regularly ourselves), we’ve decided to occasionally turn over the floor to one of our esteemed readers. All six of them. Anyway, here’s Jacuzzi, lamenting the decidedly one-sided state of the Stanley Cup finals after Game 2. If you would like to have something posted and you think you can withstand the withering scrutiny of Coach Mitch Mitchel and The Sieve, e-mail us your drivel at falsegods.ca@gmail.com. We make no apologies for not posting your crap. In other words, if you don’t make the cut, suck it up, buttercup. There’s always next year.
Stop me if you’ve heard this before:
“Finally, a chance to see two highly skilled teams play in the final, instead of watching some crappy Cinderella team slug it out and lose.”
Besides being a freshly minted and one-time-only NY Giants fan, I wanted to point out a feature of the last three, and most likely four, Stanley Cup Finals, going back one year before the lockout. When a Cinderella team slugs it all the way to the finals, they don’t stop. They fight and they fight and they fight, all the way to game 7, because they know how.
When a skilled team like Ottawa or Pittsburgh comes up against a skilled team with some grit and a powerhouse defence, they fold like the creases on Gordie Howe’s forehead. Who can forget Alfredsson practicing his golf stroke on Neidermayer? This year’s emblem will most likely be Fleury falling on his face fresh out the changeroom door.
Is this exciting hockey? Maybe if you’re a fan of Detroit and happen to be a defenceman to boot, but otherwise, probably not so much, unless you’re betting on which Penguin will cry first, or on how long it will be before Lemieux chews his gum so hard his cheeks pop off his face.
I’d be very surprised if this year isn’t another sweep (in fact, I’d almost be surprised if the Penguins score a goal). And that, to some extent, is the problem. Detroit’s first line is doing alright, though not spectacularly, in this series, and Pittsburgh is getting nothing going at all. So are we really getting to watch a lot of skilled offence on both sides? Not really. Detroit’s keeping it simple and relying on a shutdown, conservative defence, while Pittsburgh is relying on TV time-outs. The best goal in tonight’s game was Filppula, for sure, but that was a bit of a groaner for Fleury, yet again. The most dangerous power play move was Maxime Talbot in his own end turning a no-brainer clearing attempt into a picture-perfect lateral one-timer setup for Detroit, who didn’t do much with the opportunity.
So I say bring back the Calgarys and Edmontons. I’d rather watch some cursing, sweating troglodytes duke it our for seven hard-fought games than a baby’s ass getting spanked for four.
- The Sieve
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Now playing: Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – Night of the Lotus Eaters
via FoxyTunes
Several weeks too late, but this is freaking hilarious.
Glove tap to the Big Dude for sending this to me.
- Coach Mitch Mitchel
Steve Yzerman, Brian Leetch, Brett Hull, Luc Robitaille and (yes you) Lou Lamarillo are ON THE KWAN - AND - inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame.
